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Recent posts
Cheeky Cat Takes Over Internet
Boston, Sat. May 10: FREE Workshop on Perfectionism
Coping with Rejection and Other Setbacks
The Future is About Participation
New York, Thurs. May 15: Workshop on Overcoming Procrastination On Your Job Search
Seeking Workshop Venues for Upstate NY / Midwest Tour (June)
Minneapolis, Sat. June 7: Workshop on Joyful Activism
Integrated Decision Making - Your Inner "Board of Directors"
News/Events/Q&A
Cheeky Cat Takes Over Internet
posted 06 May 2008 by Hillary
This cat is all over the Internet, and I’m addicted to her. My favorite comment about this video is, “Someone needs assertiveness training and it’s not the cat!”
Boston, Sat. May 10: FREE Workshop on Perfectionism
posted 06 May 2008 by Hillary
Saturday afternoon, May 10, 1:00 – 3:00 p.m. I will lead a Boston Anti-Procrastination Meetup in which we will discuss perfectionism and how to beat it. It’s FREE and the location is GREAT – the West End Branch of the Boston Public Library – on Cambridge Ave., midway between the Charles MGH and Government Center T stops (a couple blocks up from the Whole Foods). Please join the Meetup , if you haven’t already, and RSVP if you are attending. YES, it will probably be a nice spring afternoon, but working now to defeat your perfectionism will help ensure that you can enjoy many more nice spring afternoons later on.
Coping with Rejection and Other Setbacks
posted 06 May 2008 by Hillary
1. A Serious Rejection
I’ve been a professional writer for decades, and while editors sometimes send my work back for revision, it’s been a long time since a piece was rejected outright. Well, recently it happened, and big time. The rejection itself was cruel – the editor not only critiqued the article itself, but the ideas underlying it, and in pretty harsh language – and, moreover, the essay in question was one I was really proud of, and had labored hard on.
To make matters worse, I had been “courting” this publisher (a liberal blog) for more than a year. I also thought that if they ran my piece it would not only give me huge credibility, but huge exposure – possibly even a career breakthrough. So there was a lot riding on this particular submission.
And, to top it off, this rejection came on the heels of a bunch of other professional and personal ones. So, taken all together, it was a depressing scenario. I actually wrote a friend/mentor a very depressed note in which I described the situation and wondered “whether I’m on the right path.”
2. Coping Philosophies
In a moment, I’ll share with you the actions I took to cope. But first let me share with you the three principles underlying those actions:
1) Objectivity. Even in the depths of despondency, I still strove for as positive, or objective, a view of my situation as I could. In the same depressed note in which I questioned my path, I also wrote that, “I am making improvements in all of the areas noted.” That objectivity is very important both on its own merits and because it provides a nucleus of hope that is empowering.
2) Took the situation seriously. I think the best thing I did was not to underestimate the urgency of the situation, or its potential to undermine me. I therefore took immediate strong steps to counteract the debilitating shame it caused.
3) Used the “boomerang.” This is a technique from Carolyn See’s excellent book Making a Literary Life: Advice for Writers and Other Dreamers, in which she suggests responding to a rejection in an empowered way, such as by writing a note to the editor thanking her for considering your piece. Acting empowered helps you feel empowered, and counteracts the shame.
3. The Actual Coping
Now, here are the actions I took:
When I first read the rejecting email, I felt a vague disappointment, but the full impact of the rejection hadn’t sunk in. I mostly felt a sense of detachment or dissociation, which is a protective strategy. I almost never feel this way in my professional life, any more, so this indicates a very bad situation.
A few minutes later, I was less detached, and able to recognize both the partial accuracy and inappropriateness harshness of the criticism, as well as the fact that I had “failed.” Then I did start to feel shame: I actually got sick to my stomach.
I resolved to work hard to combat my feelings of shame and disempowerment. First, I boomeranged: I wrote back to the editor and thanked her for her feedback, and noted that it must have been a difficult note for her to send. (She actually shouldn’t have sent it at all, but called, given our professional relationship and the content of her communication.) I did briefly rebut a couple of her points, but that wasn’t the main part of my note. She wrote back thanking me for my “graciousness.”
I was still left feeling bereft. (This is when I wrote the depressed note – it would have been better to call my friend, by the way, but he was out of the country.) I had no idea what to do with myself. The dogs, perhaps sensing an opportunity, started clamoring to go for a walk, although they had just been out two hours earlier. Not knowing what else to do, and figuring that at least someone in the household ought to be happy, I took them out for a long walk. It was freezing out, and the walk didn’t really help my mood, but it didn’t hurt, either.
Then I did my daily errands, but as I made my rounds, I spent about $50 extra on treats for myself – food, flowers, some fun office supplies. Some people might see that as irresponsible or escapist, but to me a treat is just that – something you wouldn’t ordinarily do. It doesn’t have to be about money – a luxurious bathtub soak or puttering around in the garden can work just as well – but often, spending a bit of money does help, provided you don’t break the bank.
Treating yourself during times of crisis sends the message that, despite the failure, you are a good and worthwhile person. This is crucial because people who let their failures define them often are too afraid to take risks, and wind up with a procrastination problem or block. (It’s also important to treat yourself when things are going well, by the way – treat yourself as often as possible!)
Later that same day, I was boosted when another writing project – less important, but still worthwhile – was better received.
Around 11 p.m. that night, I started writing this essay. Classic, empowered boomerang: writing well is the best revenge.
The next day, I remained disappointed but was able to mostly continue with my ordinary work as if nothing had happened. I also began to feel what I consider a healthy resentment over the harshness of the rejection. Later, I was to write the editor about that – stating my truth – and her boss graciously called and acknowledged his organization’s mistakes and apologized. At that point, the issue was truly in my past.
4.The Lessons
When I was younger and lacked strong coping skills, a rejection like that would have set me back months or even years. I think the key thing I have learned is to prioritize coping with setbacks, because if you don’t cope, the consequent guilt, shame, and disappointment can remain “unprocessed” and fester. Many people, either because a setback is too painful, or because they underestimate how undermining it has the potential to be, make the mistake of trying to ignore their painful feelings and push on with their work.
Also, if you tend toward negativity, you may make the common mistake of “over-blaming yourself.” Keeping an objective viewpoint in which I took responsibility for my own mistakes but did not assume responsibility for the mistakes as others, also helped me recover.
It helped enormously that the editor’s boss called me and took responsibility for his employees’ mistakes and apologized. Unfortunately, there are many people in the world who won’t do that. But even if you are blamed unfairly – especially if you are – you should strive to be very clear and objective in your own mind about, (a) what you did wrong, (b) what you didn’t do wrong, and © what others did wrong that contributed to the situation; and try very hard not let others foist their mistakes onto you. Friends and mentors can be very helpful in this regard, which is one reason you should consult them as soon as possible after a serious setback.
I’ll have some more to say on the important topic of coping with setback later. Meanwhile, I hope this essay has been useful to you. If you’ve got questions or are struggling with your own setback experience, feel free to email me at lifelongactivist at yahoo dot com.
tags: carolyn see, coping, rejection, resilience, setbacks
The Future is About Participation
posted 06 May 2008 by Hillary
Everyone please watch this 16 minute speech by Clay Shirky , author of Here comes everybody : the power of organizing without organizations. It summarizes what’s revolutionary about the Internet and digital technologies, and how they’re going to change the world. Shirkey’s a great speaker, and this is a very worthwhile investment of 16 of your minutes, particularly if you have kids and want to understand the world they will eventually live in.
tags: clay shirky, digital technology, inspiration
New York, Thurs. May 15: Workshop on Overcoming Procrastination On Your Job Search
posted 05 May 2008 by Hillary
Title: Overcoming Fear, Perfectionism and Procrastination in your Job Search PLUS a Job Search Strategy That Really Works
Date and Time: May 15, 7:00 p.m. – 8:30 pm.
Where: Unitarian Church of All Souls
1157 Lexington Avenue (corner 80th St.), New York, NY 10075, 212-535-5530
Cost: FREE, everyone invited, donation accepted. No preregistration needed.
Description: Job searches are almost always stressful, especially in a weak economy, and the urge to procrastinate is entirely understandable and forgivable.Procrastination will always interfere with your ability to reach your goals, however, so it’s a problem best addressed forthrightly. This interactive workshop will discuss the nature and causes of procrastination, perfectionism, fears and blocks, and how these problems may be overcome within a job search context. The workshop leader will share practical advice and strategies that have worked for many others, as well as information on effective versus ineffective strategies for looking for work. You will leave feeling inspired and empowered – and ready to resume your job search with renewed energy!
tags: job search, procrastination, workshop
Seeking Workshop Venues for Upstate NY / Midwest Tour (June)
posted 05 May 2008 by Hillary
I will be touring upstate New York and the midwest in early June, and hope to give my time management / antiprocrastination / joyful activism workshops in as many venues as possible. If you know of a meeting room, classroom or similar space in a
activist/community/nonprofit organization
religious organization, or
private home (living room or den)
in or around Albany, Syracuse, Rochester, Cleveland, Chicago or Minneapolis, please let me know at lifelongactivist@yahoo.com . Please note that I will be requesting donations, so libraries won’t work.
If you are a member of a progressive organization and wish to discuss holding a workshop as a fundraiser for your group, please also email.
Many thanks – and hope to see you in June!
Minneapolis, Sat. June 7: Workshop on Joyful Activism
posted 05 May 2008 by Hillary
Title: How to Live a Happy and Productive Activist Life (a.k.a., How Not to Burn Out)
Date and Time: June 7, 1:30 – 2:40 (80 mins)
Where:Their Lives, Our Voices – Midwest Animal Advocacy Conference 2008
Hubert H. Humphrey Conference Center, Minneapolis, MN
Cost: Before June 9: $50 for the general public and $20 for students; after June 9, $80/40
For More Information / Registration: http://www.tlov.org
Description: This workshop will center on the building blocks of a happy and productive life: mission management (to figure out your authentic goals and path); time management (so you can develop a schedule that helps you focus on your goals); and fear management (so you can get past procrastination, perfectionism and blocks to success). These topics are discussed in the context of progressivism and activism, with examples from several progressive movements, and referencing George Lakoff’s “nurturant parent” model of progressivism and his dictim that it is the duty of all progressives to live happy lives themselves, along with helping others be happy. Participants will be encouraged to share their own experiences and insights on these topics, and the workshop leader will share concrete and actionable advice and strategies, so that participants leave feeling inspired and empowered.
Integrated Decision Making - Your Inner "Board of Directors"
posted 04 May 2008 by Hillary
This article is by my colleague and friend Linda Marks, founder of the Institute for Emotional-Kinesthetic Psychotherapy. Linda is giving a workshop on Healing the Traumatized Heart in Newton, MA, on Saturday, May 18, from 1 – 5 pm. I’ve taken it, and it’s terrific. Click here for more information on the workshop and Linda’s other work. ©2008 Linda Marks
About 20 years ago, I had the opportunity to help design a stress management class for employees and managers at Digital Equipment Corporation. Because I was working as a body psychotherapist, I wanted to incorporate some body-centered experiential techniques into the training design. While our minds can understand self-care concepts, being able to actually apply them requires understanding them emotionally and in our bodies, not just intellectually.
How could I build a bridge between a very mental work culture and the wisdom of the body, which was so foreign to so many people? I realized that people actually reference their bodies all the time when thinking about making important decisions. How often do people act on gut feel? Isn’t it important we learn to listen to and follow our hearts? Our language is full of mind-body references, but we often think of them as metaphors rather than as literal points of guidance for our lives.
So, I developed a mind-body technique called The Inner Board of Directors, which allowed people to consciously and intentionally tap their many sources of emotional and body-based wisdom to make more integrated decisions. Since companies are run by boards of directors, it didn’t take much of a leap to understand that our own lives might benefit from being governed by an inner equivalent of this board.
The members of the Inner Board of Directors are the heart, the gut and the head. The whole self acts as moderator when an Inner Board meeting is called. The way the technique works is very simple. First, an individual determines a question s/he would like to bring before the board. It can be a simple and mundane question like, “what do I want to eat for lunch?” or a more profound and significant question like, “what do I really want to be doing with my life?” Playing with the simple and mundane questions provides a fun and non-threatening way to learn the technique.
So, I would ask the employee or manager to close their eyes and take a few deep breaths, and feel the support of their chair supporting their back, their pelvis, their legs, their tailbone….and the floor supporting their feet. And as they inhale, letting themselves feel the physical support of their chair and the floor…and as they exhale, letting their bodies very slowly and gently melt and relax into the support of the chair and the floor…And to allow their focus to move to their heart…noticing where they feel their heart in their body…and taking a moment to ask their heart the question, “What do I want for lunch?” And taking a moment for the heart to respond.
After listening to their heart, I would have them take a deep breath, and bring their attention to their gut—noticing where in their body they feel their gut when they hear the word, “gut.” And to take a moment to ask their gut, “What do I want for lunch?” And wait a moment to see how the gut responds.
After taking the moment to listen to the gut, I would have them take another deep breath, and bring their focus to their head…and ask their head the question, “What do I want for lunch?” and wait for the head to respond.
Once their head had responded, I’d invite them to revisit their heart and its response, their gut and its response and their head and its response….And then to ask the whole self to answer the question, “What do I want for lunch?” and see if they now could come up with a more integrated, whole body response. The anwer was most often, a resounding, “Yes!”
The heart might say, “I have a craving for Thai food.” The gut might say, “I don’t care what you give me, but feed me soon—I’m really hungry.” And the head might say, “You don’t have that much time to eat—better phone and do take out.” With input from all of the different inner board members, the person would decide it was time to pick up the phone, call the local Thai restaurant, and drive there to pick up a take out lunch pronto. Lunch problem solved.
After learning the technique with such a simple and mundane example, it becomes fun to convene the Inner Board for more complex decisions. I would invite you to have fun experimenting with your Inner Board, and see if making decisions becomes easier and more complete.
tags: body-centered psychotherapy, decision-making, linda marks
More on the Inspirational Randy Pausch
posted 04 May 2008 by Hillary
I’ve written previously about Randy Pausch , the now-famous Carnegie Mellon computer science professor whose videotaped “Last Lecture” is a hit on the Internet and WHICH YOU ABSOLUTELY SHOULD SEE. Pausch gave his Last Lecture at an unusually young age, 48, because he was dying of pancreatic cancer and had only a few months to live. His lecture, on how to achieve your childhood dreams, contained much useful information, but it is really his courageous joy and vital energy in the face of a crushing personal fate – he will leave behind a wife and three young children – that inspired me and countless others.
I found out about Pausch’s Last Lecture from an article in the Wall Street Journal, which has now, about eight months later, published a follow-up article . I tried posting some excerpts but they are heartfelt and personal and don’t really work out of context; please check out the original.
Pausch’s lecture is now also available as a book. For more information, check out his blog .
Wise Words from a Former Republican
posted 29 Apr 2008 by Hillary
From blogger John Cole :
“As to Wright himself, well, I have my own thoughts. First and foremost, I guess I am no longer the delicate fainting flower that most other bloggers and media commenters are these days. I spent several years in the early days of this blog being all sorts of outraged about petty bullshit. I spent days calling Ted Rall an asshole (he still is, I think), days opining about what an asshole Michael Moore is, and so on. I got my panties all in a bunch about Ward Churchhill (also a dick), and stupid things Bill Maher may or may not have said, and so on.
“And you know what? They may be assholes, or jerks, or whatever term you want to use, but they sure as hell didn’t run this economy into the ground. They aren’t responsible for turning a huge surplus into a several hundred billion dollar deficit. I have yet to read any memos from Barbra Streisand detailing how we should spy on American citizens.”
tags: deficits, former republicans, jerks, spying